* Confident and Confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and Confidential. Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
* God in toilet
Oner Day in a CRK class in one of the primary schools in Ajegunle, The teacher asked the pupils this question "a part from heaven, where else does God reside?" a boy stood up nd answered " God lives in our heart" "good" said the teacher. Another pupil sudenly raised up his hand which the teacher aknowledge. "yes where else" asked the teacher "Toilet" said the pupil. How come, what do you mean" asked the teacher. the boy said "each I see time my father knocks at the toilet somebody will answer yes !!!! and my father will say "Oh my God are you still there? "
* 'I'm in the secret service.
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'
He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
* HUSBANDS ON SALE !!!
A Store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!"
There are 6 floors in the building and the attributes of the men on display increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch . . . You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up the next floor, but you cannot change your mind and go back the lower floor to select except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The sign on the door of the first floor reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with house works.
"Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with house works, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,222 (four million, three hundred and sixty-three thousand, two hundred and twenty-two) to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
* Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
*What are some of the secrets of success in life?
Woke up this morning.... lying in bed, I was asking myself.... what are some of the secrets of success in life? I found the answers right there, in my very room. The fan said : be cool. The roof said : aim high. The window said : see the world. The clock said : every minute is precious. The mirror said : reflect before you act. The calendar said : be updated. The door said : push hard for your goals. "If you do, you will, but if you don't, you won't. If you're not able, you don't have to." Thanks ....
* Who Is The Most Obedient?
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
* Come and bury the Church.
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday, the Church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
Iyke - Nigeria,
* Man Talks to God
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
* The Children of Israel
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right.""And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
* Preacher and The Parrot
A Preacher had parrot that would always say, "Hey Baby, How about a kiss?" It was embarrassing to him when members of the congregation, epecially ladies, would come in and his bird would say this. He had a friend whose bird would say, "Let us pray". Thinking this would be much more appropriate he decided to get the birds together so that his bird would pick up much more appropriate sayings. He got them together and after a while heard his bird say, "Hey baby, how 'bout a kiss?" and the other bird answered, "Hallelujah, my prayers have been answered"!
Meredith,
USA.
* Two WOMEN
Two WOMEN were waiting at the Gate OF HEAVEN and struck up a conversation.
First WOMAN: "How did you die?"
Second: "I froze to death".
First WOMAN:"Must have been awful."
Second WOMAN:"How did you die?"
First WOMAN:"I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died."
Second WOMAN: "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive..
* Special Prayer for Nigerians
This year, all your enemies shall be harassed like Atiku,
restless like Chris Ngige,
Confused like Chris Uba,
Disorganised like PDP,
Resigned like Audu Ogbe,
Sacked like Peter Obi,
Disappointed like Peter Odili,
Betrayed like Charles Taylor,
Arrested like Sergeant Rogers,
Detained like Al-Mustapha,
Disgraced like Tafa Balogun, and
Die like Abacha.
If they refuse to die, they will be will be hanged like Saddam.
Meanwhile, all your competitors shall step down for you like they did to Yar'adua.
You shall be announced like Duke and Tinapa,
You will reclaim what the devil had earlier stolen like Ladoja
while Goodluck shall follow you throughout the days of your life like Jonathan in Jesus mighty name.
AMEN. Welcome to a brand New Year.
* Little Old Lady and the Atheist
There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"
Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
* Giving Thanks as a New Christian
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that naturalism and evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind.
As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you except me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said "it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I thank you for this food that I am about to receive."
* Jonah and the Teacher
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and how she had heard in Sunday School about how a whale had swallowed Jonah.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl remained steadfast in her position and reiterated that indeed, a whale had swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "I'm not sure how it happened, but when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher replied smugly, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
* Obsession
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions, he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving"
(c) Hilary.
"I am a Saudi !"
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh , then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then?
" The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
* You're not his son anyway
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and the he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him," Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."
More jokes next week:
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