by Robert H. Schuller

The word "love" always meant something very profound, very deep, very significant, that produced character and behavioral factors in life that produce nobility, courage and honor.  Love is being rewritten.  I don't need to tell you this; you can discuss that with your friends. The word "love" is being redefined in a downward style to match the wishes of the people who don't want to yield to a higher morality.

Love - Family Style
I'm talking about love - family style.  The family has been undergoing enormous challenges. But, in spite of the many forces that have attempted to destroy the family, such attempts ultimately will never succeed.  The family unit is much stronger than many would presume and already has successfully withstood severe attempts to break it down. 

The reason the family is so strong is that there are emotional bonds that are created in a family environment that no social or political reform can discount.  Look, for example, at the bonding that occurs between a mother and a baby. The loving bonds between family members are a natural phenomenon that is ordained by the Bible.  And the whole concept of the family is in the Bible, because it is right!  It is not right because it is in the Bible.  It is in the Bible because it is right.

Blessings of a Family
I have been so blessed with a wonderful childhood.  My father and mother loved each other.  It was a solid family, even though I heard my parents argue occasionally.  They would disagree and debate, they would be solemn and quiet; they might not talk for hours.  But I learned something through that.  I learned that just because there is conflict, you don't quit, split and run away.

My childhood family was strong.  We were the Schullers!  There were five children in my family.  I was the youngest.  I married a young woman who came from the same kind of a family.  We have now been married for 56 years; have five children, 18 grandchildren, and one more on the way.  Yes, I am blessed with being always surrounded by a strong family unit.  So it has been my experience that the family is a happiness-generating center.  My happiness centers in my marriage, in my children, in my family.  Believe in love - family style !

I believe that there is nothing that can surpass the traditional family, which I now shall define for our purposes as:  "A male and a female, who commit themselves to loving each other for better, for worse, and to propagate children, if possible with the mixed blood and genes of their father and mother.

To build a strong, loving family that is committed to continuity, there must be a sense of authority that builds self-esteem in children from infancy upward.  So we, the Schullers, set definite laws.  We told our children, "We're going to have some laws that are different from the family next door." 

One of the laws that we taught our children was that smoking was forbidden, though it was an accepted social practice even in church circles.  Then because society was beginning to be aware of the dangers linked with smoking, I felt that it would be better for my children if they never started.  So we preached against smoking in our home.  One day, four-year-old Bobby said, "Daddy, what's wrong with smoking?"

I answered, "Bobby, if you smoke, you could get cancer."

"What's cancer?" he asked.

"Cancer is the worst disease you could think of."

I could see he was impressed.

About a week later Dr. Howard Hageman, the President of our denomination, the Reformed Church in America , came to visit, inspect and evaluate their newest church, our little church.  Mrs. Schuller and I were very nervous about hosting this first visit from the President and his wife in our small home.  On the first day, I drove Dr. and Mrs. Hageman, Arvella, Sheila, and little Bobby to see the new church when I ran out of gas.  I left everyone in the car parked at the side of the road as I went to the nearest gas station to get some gas.

While I was out of the car, Dr. Hageman, seated in the front seat, pulled out his package of cigarettes and began to smoke.  Little Bobby looked at him, horrified, and said, "You shouldn't do that!"

The very dignified Dr. Hageman from New York City said, "Oh, and why not?"

Bobby replied, "Because you'll get the worse disease I can think of."

"Oh, and what might that be?"

With a very serious tone in his voice, Bobby blurted out, "Diarrhea!"

The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it."  (Proverbs 22:6)

Yes, the family is a unique institution.  As an institution, it contains by its very nature, the basic ingredients of what psychologists and psychotherapists consider to be the most necessary dynamics for the evolution and the development of a wholesome personality.

Let me illustrate.  It has just been in the last generation that psychologists have come up with the concept of the small group therapeutic sessions using the principles in the family concept.  The family is the original small therapeutic group.  Here you are honest and frank with each other and there can be no pretense for you know each other so intimately.

Not only is the family a place where you can be open and honest with each other, but it is also the one institution that fails to keep score on each other.  When one who is hurt gets special treatment, others understand and share what they can also give. We are always inspired with a family where there is a child or parent with special needs, disabled or in a wheelchair.  (Notice the love, the courage and the pride of the family at the Special Olympics races.)

Yes, there is nothing to compare with a family, where the positive Spirit of Jesus Christ, the Bible and the church set the emotional tone of the dynamic "small group."

Both Mrs. Schuller and I came from strong Christian families.  We went to church on Sunday, we read the Bible at every noonday lunch and we read the Bible again at every evening meal.  We opened each meal with a prayer of blessing.  And after we finished, we closed with a prayer of thanksgiving.

They were very religious homes where Arvella and I learned principles that we tried to incorporate in our own family.  So, as a result, all five of our children embrace the Christian faith today and all are involved in some form of ministry.  More than anything else, this really makes us very proud of them.  Yes, the success of the Crystal Cathedral Ministry isn't as important to me as the success of my family.

How did it work out so well for us?  Here are some of principles we've learned.  They all happen to begin with the letter A

Be Alert!
The first principle as a positive parent is to be alert.  That means keeping your antenna up. Listen to what your children really are saying - verbally, non-verbally, and para-verbally.

There were times in the past 50 years in my ministry when I came home worrying about how we were going to get the money to build the Tower of Hope, or how were we going to finish the Crystal Cathedral, or what do we do about all the negative criticism.

I would come home with a heavy mind to face the family and the children didn't care about my worries at work.  They wanted to talk to me and then my challenge was to be a good listener, to be alert.

At that moment the only thing that really mattered was my family.  Be alert!  Be very alert, because they may be asking for help.  And many a father or mother can have their mind wandering, worrying about their own work, or the bills, but when a child is trying to say, "Hey!  I've got problems too.  Will you help me?" … then be alert.

If we are not alert, we can miss the danger signals and then your teen will go elsewhere for emotional support and, if need be, seek it in a bag or a bottle.  Be alert! Look for signs that say "caution."  Are their personalities changing?  Are they exceptionally withdrawn these days?  Are they unusually difficult?  If so, then adjust your schedule, program time to take your daughter shopping or your son fishing.

Be Appreciative!
Be alert to your children's needs.  Then appreciate them as friends.  My children have been my best friends.  They still are.  I appreciate them as entertainers; I find my stimulation, entertainment, and humor as I enjoy them. I also appreciate them as encouragers.  When the world has failed to encourage me, my family is always there - cheering me on. 

I love the story of the young man who was a stand-in performer at the Paris Opera House.  He was filling in for a singer of great fame and the theater was packed with people who had paid to hear the star tenor. Just before the curtain went up, the announcement was made that the performer was sick and he would be replaced by a stand-in.  Everybody booed.  They were disappointed in having to hear an unknown singer and they made their disappointment heard.

As hard as it must have been for the stand-in to walk onto that stage and sing, this unknown name had to perform.  He came on stage and faced a restless and even hostile audience.  When the singer ended his first song, there was no applause. Then from a balcony, a little boy popped up and declared, "I think you're doing great, Daddy!" The house broke up with loud applause and from then on the audience listened attentively to this unknown singer and when he finished the concert, they applauded him long and loud.

Be Affirmative!
Be alert to your children.  Appreciate them.  Then, affirm them - their future, their potential, and their possibilities.  This is especially important in a world where too many people thrive on putting others down.  Insecure people who suffer from an inadequate self-esteem, intuitively, impulsively, impertinently attempt to build their own self-worth by tearing others down.

Yes, society often puts you down.  And frequently even some schools and churches put you down.  Nature also can work against your positive sense of self-esteem. For instance, it isn't easy to be a successful jogger.   By nature, I'd rather sit in the chair and not exercise.  Today I still work against my nature and discipline myself to get out there for my morning walk and exercise.

Give your children a boost.  Affirm them.  Tell them that they can be somebody.  I remember reading Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's biography.  That book provides a clue to Dr. Peale's success.  Dr. Peale had a very strong-willed mother.  And she used to say to Norman when he was a little guy.  "Norman, you can be somebody.  Believe it –– YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY!"

That's tremendous!  A little child who hasn't had a success experience or a positive achievement cannot perceive or believe that he can be somebody unless his parents program it into him.

Whether you're rich or poor, educated or illiterate, the truth is that YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY!

Be Available!
Positive parenting is being alert , it is being appreciative , it is being affirmative , and finally, it is being available - always!

Every one of my children can find me at anytime.  I may be in total seclusion, but my wife always knows where I am.  I'm never far from a phone and my wife knows where she can reach me.  Likewise, if it's one of my children, I drop everything.  The positive parent is alert, appreciative, affirmative and available.  That's love - family style!

That is the kind of Father that God is.  He is alert!  He is attentive!  He appreciates me!  After all, I was His idea and He is always available. I've learned that from Him.  I have passed that kind of faith on to my children and they're passing it on to our grandchildren and that is the real success in a family.

Prayer:  Thank you, Father, for establishing the family through Adam and Eve, and other believing men and women of the Bible.  We believe in love - the family style and we are committed to it.  So thank you, Father that we can look to the future with great hope.

Amen.

© Copyright Hour of Power 2006.  This message was delivered by Robert H. Schuller from the pulpit of the Crystal Cathedral and aired on the Hour of Power June 25, 2006.

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