See a doctor in Chicago
Hello Esther,
Speak with the editor of this e-magazine for my number. I can link you to a doctor in Chicago. Hope this helps.
Yolanda Summer, Idaho, USA.
How can you take sex out of marriage?
Hello editor,
I disagree with the second response, Margaret Mills. How can you take sex out of marriage? I'm a christian but cant deny that I enjoy sex with my man. Its legal in marriage. While I cant tell you to opt for divorce, the surgery is not an easy option either. Consider the pains and bills! You need marriage counsellors to speak to you. Divorce might be inevitable at the end. Stay warm sister.
Marta Belafonte, Ontario, Canada.
Make the best out of your marriage
Hi Esther,
Please do not opt for a divorce because each marriage has it's own cross but you can make the best out of your marriage. Firstly, I will like to ask if he can father a child, if your answer is (yes) then you have little or no problem. Meaning that all youneed is the satisfaction that comes with sex, and that is easy. All you need is to understand and accept him for who he is and help out of his problem. Make sure you have long period of fore-play, kissing, touching one another, chatting together before actually moving into sex properly.
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Esther writes in again:
moved out of the home in Lagos the day he raised his hands againt me. He dealt some merciless blows on me. I am now in Minna living with my sister. They got me a job, better job than what I did in Lagos. My family is forcing me into relationship, but I must also confess to you people of Christ that I dont have any relationship yet. Why? I still need counsel.
I am an ardent listener to Pastor Matthew Ashimolowo and Pastor Lanre Adenekan (Pastor Explain This) on TV. I bought so many of Ashimolowo's tapes at Just Bibles in Lagos. Rather than discourage me from divorce, what I heard in some of his tapes showed me how foolish I was to go into a relationship blindly. Just as Mabel Mongosuthu said in her reply here, there was no openness in our courtship.
I want to hear from my mentor, Pastor Matthew and Pastor Adenekan. I have no link to them. Could you help me?
I miss my husband much. I really do. God knows. In other departments of life he is excellent. But since this wahala began, he has been a different man. Beating me thrice now! He looks defeated. You people should pray for him. He makes the problem this big by not wanting to talk about it, by making the house a hell for me.
I know he reads this page since he found out I seek counsel online. If he is the man I know, he will write in soon.
(Darling, if you are reading this, Its me Esther Abike, your darling. I dont mean to abandon you. You drove me away. Please do open up and let people talk to you. You have blocked all lines of communication since I moved out. You did not allow pastors I spoke to speak to you. The internet is a private, anonymous medium. Speak up here and let people speak to you.
I still love you with all my heart. You know I do. I will always do.
I thank you all, Farouk, Arosanyin, Olora, Akinkuehin, Landler, Mabel, Paul, Mills, Biola and Mercy. Bless you all.
Esther Okanlawon |
With this, you would have had the satisfaction you are looking for. But if he cannot father a child, he needs to see a doctor.
OLORA Francis olayemi.
Accept your husband as he is.
Hello Esther,
My advice is that divorce should not be considered. Any consideration that is outside the provision of God, the Author of marriage cannot do you any good. (Malachi 2:16). Please note that your husband is not also happy because you are not happy. Therefore I counsel that you accept your husband as he is (including the size of the organ). You should also pray for God's intervention about the issue- there is nothing impossible for God (Luke 1:37). Develop an attitude for better communication especially during the day and please do not compare your husband with others you knew before.
A/Pastor Oluwafemi Akinkuehin,
RCCG The Heirs Parish,
Ekpan.
Have you been patient?
Dear Esther,
I have been thinking about your question for awhile now, and in spite of myself I have to answer.
First of all though, I have to say, your question/problem shocked me. Not so much the nature of it (although that seemed to be a bit of a curve ball) but the way you posed it.
It seems that this is really a big issue for you. Let me answer your last question first. Is the forbidding of premarital sex worth it after all? I think you yourself have provided the answer to that one: ‘I was not a virgin when he met me, so that means I knew what sexual satisfaction is all about.'
It seems you are doing a lot of comparing and still hankering back to the old days, something the bible is against.
Hebrews 11:15
However, let me remind you of what love is? 1corinthians 13: 4-7: "For Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Have you been patient? Have you tried to put aside your needs and focus on simply loving you husband? Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to being intimate with my wife (when I find and marry her), but I know it is wrong to count on the sex. That there are different drives and that there might be anatomical issues involved, but I am not worried because love never fails.
You have tried counseling and he was unwilling to come. Yes, tell me how many men won't be sensitive about this issue. It isn't called manhood for nothing. you know.
My advice is that you get on your knees and ask God who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, (Eph 3:20) to give you more patience, more love and more wisdom to handle this situation. I know about other women with your predicament they coped with love and even achieved the satisfaction you are so obviously yearning for. But don't focus on this aspect, focus on the love you have for your husband and the love you have in Christ.
And please, don't forget that women are supposed to submit to their husbands and not deny them their marital rights. Please don't let sex lead you to sin, not showing love to your husband can hinder your prayers and cause you both to be unfaithful. And as for divorce, Matthew 5:32 also applies to women.
Farouk Asuni,
The Hague, The Netherlands.
God HATES divorce!!!
Dear Esther,
Please answer the following questions to enable me put things in proper perspective.
1. When did you get born again?
2. Did you have marriage counseling in the course of your courtship?
3. Have considered that your premarital sexual experience is the cause of your anxiety with your husband's situation?
4. Have you and your husband gone to your church's marriage counselors or to your pastor about this condition?
5. Have you read what the bible says concerning marriage?
So many people have given you advice already but anything that is outside of God's view of marriage should be rejected outright. Sex in marriage requires your patience and your teaching your husband on how he can get you satisfied. Let him know your erotic areas; teach him to be patient and engage in long foreplay before engaging you. Above all, pray about the situation - for you to be patient and grace to endure until things come right; pray for him to be willing to learn and for patience to go through the process that will get you to your desired point.
I disagree completely with your mother's advice. It is unbiblical. Show your mother what the bible says in Malachi 2: 13 - 16. God HATES divorce!!! Be prepared to do all that is possible to make your marriage work.
I will advice that you get hold of this book - To Have and to Hold Forever through any of the Redeemed Christian Church of God Parishes or from the Redemption camp bookstores. If you are close to Ikeja, go to RCCG ACME Parish on ACME Road . They have it in their bookshop and it's very cheap - much less than N500.00. You and you husband should read it.
God bless you and make things work out for you and your husband.
Femi Arosanyin,
Port Harcourt.
Esther, there was no marriage in the first place!
Hello Esther,
Please disregard the responses of Farouk, Femi, Akinkuehin, Olora, Magareth Mills and Okwuobi. They all missed the point. They all failed to realise that there was no marriage in the first place because the whole affair was conducted in lies! The man lived a lie by keeping 'the bed clean' all because he wanted to deceive the lady into marriage and bind her to him with the ring. Now, that you have realised what he did, it is legitimate that you will be angry and respond. If you had known his problem before wedding, and you agreed to stay and live with it, it becomes a sin if you are now opting out via divorce. But you got into this by keeping faith that all was well with him and you now find out that all is not well, lady, get out of this hell. There was no marriage in the first place.
Mulk Landler, Tokyo.
Once there is no openness, there is no marriage. Opt out. NOW
Hello Esther,
Your husband lived a lie, if your story is a true representation of the matter. Until we all know that lies beget more lies, we shall continue to have problems. I cant imagine my daughter living in sexual deprivation. It is better to get out of this lie you call marriage than find yourself running after other men for sexual satisfaction. People like Esther could destroy homes while seeking sexual satisfaction. Those who say you should endure the marriage should ask themselves if they could endure for life such pains you did not sign for or anticipate. Let us keep religious emotion out of this. Let us be sensible please. There was no honest courtship between the two of you. When a man and a woman signed the dotted lines, they signed for what they knew about themselves, what they both exposed to one another, and what they can bear. The phrase "For better for worse" is futuristic, not what exists long before marriage which either of the party deliberately concealed. Courtship and marriage is an open game. Once there is no openness, there is no marriage. Opt out. NOW.
Mabel Mongosuthu, Suncity, South Africa. |
