In this article, which was earlier delivered as a speech at a seminar in Lagos Nigeria, Tinu Odugbemi, a journalist, pastor and advocate for widows shares her thoughts on some issues which many, if not most of us often disregard in our happy times. Here in Africa, we often forget that death will come and we so well forget to prepare for post-death realities. So many are the women who have lost to greedy inlaws all they

struggled for with their husbands after their husbands death. So many become paupers because they relied too much on the perks of happy times and learnt no trade. How can we be happy with or without our spouses?

When a man dies, his wife loses not just a husband. She also loses a status, a friend, a partner, a confidant, a helper, a breadwinner, a lover and the father of her children. When two people marry, it is expected that one day, one of them might leave the other although in very rare cases, both die together. However because the death of a spouse is heart-wrenching and traumatic, not a few would welcome the miracle of couples never being separated by death.

Entry into widowhood could be sudden, gradual or violent. It could be sudden when the man dies without any warning such as due to road accident, plane crash, electric shock, heart failure, or other means.

It could be gradual where the man had been nursing a terminal disease or had been ill for some time while it is regarded as violent (as well as sudden) when the man dies through a violent means like being assassinated, killed by armed robbers or the Police, dying through a fight, a collapsed house, road or plane crash or where it is a case of suicide.

However at a time that a widow needs all the care, comfort and support she desires and deserves, what we have is that the average widow in Nigeria and in many parts of Africa and Asia finds widowhood a journey into great sorrow, suffering and distress.

The average widow, after going through the ordeal of losing her husband, also loses her property as her in-laws strip her and her children of their rightful inheritance claiming them as their own upon the death of their ‘son'/'brother'. This is done in many cases with defiance and in others under a lot of guises, and it is carried out with little or no regard for the immediate or future upkeep of the widow and her children.

The man's relatives form a Court where the widow is tried, convicted and deprived. They are the ones who act as the Police, the witnesses, the judge, all-in-all. The widow and her children are left high and dry! The irony is that where the man leaves nothing or debts, the extended family hardly ever comes to assist the nuclear one.

In some cases, they take the children away and share them among the father's relatives. This could be quite traumatic for a child. After the loss of the father, experience shows that the children would thrive better morally, emotionally, physically, and academically if they stayed together with their mother and one another.

The process of bonding and collective grieving helps them overcome their loss together and plan the next steps of action. It is not uncommon for these relatives to see and use these children ‘dumped' on them as nothing but cheap labour or slaves. In many cases, the children end up serving the other members of the family; they work the hardest and eat the least nutritious meals of the home. They are largely uncared for and they might be deprived the chance of having good, quality education.

Also, many widows are tortured physically, mentally and emotionally in the guise of widowhood rites. These are cultural practices in which widows are subjected to certain acts either to prove their innocence in the death of their husbands or to ‘show' how much they loved their men. Such acts include sleeping with the corpse, shaving the hair off the head of the woman, solitary confinement, wailing loudly, and stigmatization by wearing black or white clothes for a period, restriction of movement, and even drinking water used to bathe the corpse.

The woman undergoes general dehumanization. The torture she is made to undergo has a psychological and physical effect on her. Reduced income for the widow and her children could make them change school, residence and diet. She is put under great physical, social and emotional strain and stress to provide for the children and start her life anew.

In addition, the rising prevalence of incidences of HIV and AIDS in Nigeria and the rest of Africa has left many children and women as HIV/AIDS widows and orphans. Along with their loss, they often face discrimination, desertion and destitution.

A widow suffers a great deal if she has no income of her own or brings in a little income. Many couples never plan for death. Yet death is a reality. What happens upon the death of the husband is a serious fall in living and social standards. There is a great fall from grace to grass, prosperity to poverty and penury.

Many women with living husbands depend totally on their husbands. Many husbands restrain their wives from working. Nothing stops a woman to be educated and to learn other handicrafts she can carry out right from the home. Many widows and their children have had to be freighted back to the village upon the death of their breadwinners while many never recovered or learnt how to be economically empowered in very hard ways.

Several women have learnt about their husbands' other wives, mistresses and children at the death of the men when these women and children show up to observe the funeral rites. They now have to share what they thought would solely belong to them and their children with ‘complete strangers' to them. These are women and children who put in little or no effort to help the deceased men attain their great social and career status, and gather or acquire material wealth.

Also, many women have no investments and savings while some buy joint property with their husbands or even their own property but such are recorded in their husbands names and they do not even know where the documents are kept.

Many who run joint businesses with their husbands are ignorant of the intricacies of such businesses or industries; they seem more at home with the ‘glamour' part of the business – representing their husbands at functions, donating money or items and spending money, shopping or being driven around in beautiful vehicles. The result is that the husbands' relatives brought by the men into the businesses know the trade secrets and other intimate details more than the wives.

LESSONS FOR MEN AND WOMEN WITH LIVING SPOUSES

Most of the times when we organize programmes for/about widows, people with living spouses hardly attend except the few who are invited as speakers, special guests or members and trustees of Head High International. Sadly, they do not realize what they miss. We can all learn a lot from the experiences of these widows.

For instance, each time I listen to a widow narrate her experiences and describe her feelings, I am reminded of the need for me to appreciate God the more for my own husband, marriage and family. I am reminded of the goodness of the Lord to me. Also, I appreciate my husband – his presence in my life and all the ‘little' and big things he does for me and the children.

Many widows claim if they had realized their men would die that early, they would have lived differently – they would have quarreled less, treated them better and would not have taken them for granted. Are you married? Pause a while and appreciate the presence of that man or woman in your life is a gift from God. God gives us life and the life God gives us is to ensure we love Him, His creatures especially people He has planted around us.

In addition, many of us still living need to think more seriously about preparing for the future and taking responsibility for asking God for direction for how to prepare for it. We ought to live knowing God is the only dependable relative, employer, guardian, friend and all-in-all we have. We cannot afford to trust man as trust in the arm of the flesh will surely fail us.

If many dead husbands could look back or return, they would be shocked to find their parents, siblings and relatives they trusted so much could turn to vampires hawking on their wealth, materials and businesses without as much as a cursory or second glance for their wives and children for whom these dead men actually laboured. What a shame!

While we advocate that men and women write wills, for no one really knows who will go first, we hasten to say wills are tampered with and most often ignored. This is because the relatives cart away the property and in the process of the long, arduous legal process in many parts of Africa , such property would have been sat upon.

Equally, except where the widows have access to free legal aid, the cost of pursuing legal cases is not cheap and judges and lawyers can be bought over. The result is the average widow weighs the options she has and she leaves these ungodly in-laws to the hands of the ultimate and impartial judge – the Almighty God!

It is advocated that women have their own private accounts separate from their husbands'. It helps if the men can take what is known in the banking industry as a ‘standing order' through which some money, no matter how small, can be transferred from the husband's account into the wife's own.

We must all cultivate a savings habit as a form of financial security for the future. Equally, it helps to put things in place to plan for our children should we no longer be around to take care of them. We can open savings accounts or deposit or fixed accounts in their names for them. Other options include taking policies like education, life insurance and health insurance.

Many couples especially wives flee from the idea of running joint accounts with their husbands. But this is one good way of ensuring no one can take over your spouse's account without your knowledge and permission. If the wife is a signatory to the husband's account, then it would be pretty difficult for the man's relative to close down the account.

Men can learn from this by making their wives and children as soon as they come of age alternate signatories to their accounts or can give specific instructions on these at their banks. Many banks offer such facilities now. We only need to ask and we will be duly informed.

Investing in shares, stocks and bonds is also a good way of preparing for the future. If we can be a little disciplined and put something apart at least once in three months to use to buy some shares or stocks, we would be surprised at what we would have some years later.

Similarly, women are advised to obtain receipts in their names for whatever items or services they get for their homes and they must guard these receipts and other documents jealously. Copies must be made and kept safe. Where they buy property and goods jointly with their husbands, receipts for payment should be well spelt out in their names.

Note, it is not enough to write “Mr. and Mrs. Bartholomew ”, get it written out as “Joseph and Mary Bartholomew ”. This is because there can be another Mrs. Bartholomew somewhere! We will never build for another to inhabit, sow for another to reap, reap for another to eat in Jesus name.

Also, love, truth, openness and sincerity are virtues we cannot joke with in our marriage. We must make all efforts to love one another. Pretence, falsity and hypocrisy must be thrown out. The Bible says there is no fear in love and that perfect love casts out all fear. It is fear of the unknown and fear of the future that makes many couples hide for one another.

The woman nurses a secret fear her husband could suddenly take another wife and abandon her, leave her in the lurch! The man is afraid if he does too much or reveals much of his wealth to his wife and older children, they could kill him! Jesus makes the difference. Where Jesus is, there is light. When we love transparently the way Jesus loves us and deals with us, we will not be put to shame.

The Bible tells us in John 1:5 that when light shines in darkness, darkness cannot withstand it. As the light of the world (Matthew 5:16 ), we must not take to the wisdom of the world. This is devilish, earthly and foolish. Let bus depend instead on the wisdom from above which is pure, peaceable and gentle.

Once we know that our lives and times are in God's hand, we are assured no man can kill us without God's permission. Let us repose our confidence in the Lord. Let us show more love to one another and enjoy our marriages and homes. Where we can trust in each other, then we can plan the future together. We will not have any need to keep some documents with some relatives who might let us down at the end.

Above all, we must work hard. Incomes from both partners are important. We have come to know that things are really rough for the widows who were not working when their husbands were alive. They find it tough to pick up work, they do not know how to manage funds and turn capital around. It takes the grace of God to see them through. No matter how little the income is, let us try and get something to do. There are so many businesses women can run from home if our men want us to manage the home front.

These include phone call centres, business centres, hair dressing salons, braiding and weaving centres, tailoring, fashion design, millinery, bead stringing, provision store, cold store, grocery, day care, mini laundry services, book store, gift shop, boutique, barbing salon, proof reading agency, computer training centre, retail sales of goods like eggs, drinks, plastics, etc. When we prayerfully take our needs to God, He will see us through. He will guide us. We must know that it is never too late to start doing something. With God on our side, age, fear of inadequacy, etc will fly away.

ARE YOU HURTING? JESUS IS THE GREAT COMFORTER

Perhaps you are a widow or you have just realized how you have frittered away so much wealth, do not despair. Turn to Jesus, the great comforter and restorer. He is also the repairer of the breaches. He will help you to start anew. He will wipe away your tears and put laughter and joy in your face, heart and life again.

***Pastor (Mrs.) Tinu Odugbemi is the Executive Director of Head High International, a faith-based, non-governmental organization that champions and defends the cause of widows, orphans, education and health of young girls and people living with or affected by HIV and AIDS.
You can contact Pastor Odugbemi by emailing headhighcom@yahoo.com or tinutai2003@yahoo.co.uk