A LADY went to the airport to welcome an old friend whom she hadn't seen for along time. While she was waiting, she saw a man arrive and run towards a woman. She was drawn to this scene, especially when the man grabbed the woman, kissed her and exclaimed how much he had missed her.

Amazed by this display, she asked the man, “Sir, how long have you been married?' She expected the answer to be one or two months. Without so much as a sidelong glance at what he obviously considered a distraction, he replied, 'Eighteen years now.'

Assuming that the man had been away from his family for a while, she pursued the matter, inquiring, 'How long have you been away?' To her surprise, he said, 'Two days.'

Amazed, she remarked, I hope I marry a man like you who will love me as much.' Hearing this, the man looked at her and said, 'Don't hope, decide.'

Except for receiving Jesus Christ into your life as your personal Lord and Saviour, your choice of a marriage partner is probably the biggest decision you will ever have to make in your life. The issue of a life partner is so important that you cannot afford to make a careless choice based on emotions or sentiments.

In my 11 years of counseling single and married people I have discovered that choosing who to marry based on romantic feeling alone, is often misleading. Romance tells you nothing about character and is extremely unreliable as a method of determining the viability or vitality of a relationship.

Sadly, however, most people today are attracted by romance and sentiment, which they mistake for feelings of true love. Marriage is no hide-and­ seek game. It requires effort and diligence, rather than indulging in emotions that may change with the weather.

Since 1992, when I start running workshops, first for singles and then for married couples, I have done a great deal of research that has revealed that people do not prepare for marriage like they do for other aspects of their lives. The results of both independent and organizational studies indicate that much has gone wrong with the family structure.

Painfully, many of these anomalies are now being taken for granted. In a report recently released by the National Center for Health Statistics in the USA, it was found that 43 per cent of first marriage end in separation or divorce within 15 years.

In a 1996 US Census Bureau Current Population Report, Rose M Krieder and Jason M Fields describe a statistical exercise performed in 1975, using marital history data form the Current Population Survey (CPS). Projections made using this data suggested that about one third of married persons aged between 25 and 35 in 1975 would end up divorced.

It is worrisome to note that by 1996 these projections had already been exceeded, as about that by 1996 these projections had already been exceeded, as about 40 per cent of the men and women in this age bracket, then about 45 to 55 years old, had been divorced from their first marriage partners. Current projections indicate that the proportion could be as high as 50 per cent for persons now in their early forties. The Census Bureau also indicated that the divorce rate in the USA had quadrupled from 4.3million in 1970 to 18.3 million in 1996. Quadrupled from 4.3million in 1970 to 18.3 million in 1996.

According to reports, Britain has the highest divorce rate in Europe . Government figures show that Britain records 2,7 divorces per 1 000 of the population, compared with a European average of 1,8 per 1 000 of the population. Japanese Health Ministry statistic indicate that one in three marriages now ends in divorce, while total divorce figures have more than doubled, from just over 95,000 in 1970 to 206,955 in 1996.

In Canada , the introduction of a flexible divorce law 30 years ago has seen the incidence of marital breakup soaring as high as 600 per cent, with one-third of marriages ending in separation or divorce. Records also show that one-fifth of Canadian children have lost a parent to divorce.

Pastor (Dr) Craig Peter Baldaccir of Long Grove Community Church in Illinois , USA , carried out an independent study during his visit to Nigeria in July 2002. He found that the divorce rate in Nigeria is about 50 per cent. Especially disheartening is the fact that one-third of these divorce occurs within the first four years of marriage.

The situation is not better in other African countries. The results of other studies around the world are as alarming, and even worse in some cases. In 1996, 68 out of every 100 marriages in Belarus ended in divorce; 56 per cent in Belgium , 41 per cent in Germany ; 26 per cent in Israel , and out of 29 611 marriages, celebrated in Scotland in 1997, 12 222 ended in divorce.

The institution of marriage, as ordained by God, is supposed to be the foundation for the evolution of better societies. The average family is a microcosm of society in general. The deterioration of our nation, socially, culturally, morally, and economically is the result of the deterioration of family ties and of slack attitudes to family responsibilities. Statistics reveal that wisely, thereby restoring institution of marriage.

Marriage is beautiful and a true reflections of God's covenant with us. Nobody enters marriage union with the plan to exit. Failures in marriage stem principally from incompatibility, and are the result of wrong choices, based on wrong decisions and frivolous reasons.

According to Ben Young and Dr Samuel Adams: 'You can make decisions in life and recover. You can select the wrong car, and trade it in a few months. You can choose a wrong college and transfer if you don't like it. You can pick the wrong major and reverse it later. You can relocate to a wrong job, but later land another that you prefer. You can make foolish financial decision end up in debt, but recover by getting wiser and paying off those debts. You can relocate to a wrong city and move to another one that suits you better.

All these decisions may carry adverse consequences, but are pale in comparison to the consequences of bad decision an intimate relationship. There is no substitute for knowing the person you are considering as a marriage partner.

Your spouse is supposed to help you to fulfill the God-ordained purpose of your life. God knows that you cannot do it alone; that is why He wants man and woman to be a pair: a unity of diverse qualities, forming one formidable force for success and achievement.

However, God doesn't want you to form a pair with just anybody. Wrong pairing has the potential of yielding disaster rather than progress. That is why God said in Proverbs 18:22: ‘He that finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.'

A close look at this verse reveals that there has to be a process of finding involved in choosing a wife or husband. If that weren't so, it would have been written: “He who gets a wife.. ' or 'He who picks a wife…” To find presupposes a search. You find only what you are looking for, seeking or searching.

Your choices determine your life. This is a fact. You make your choices, and then your choices make you. It is wise to weigh the pros and cons of anything that requires commitment. Nothing has the power to determine what happens in your life like the choices you make. You need information to be able to make the right choices. It is my desire with this book to encourage and empower you to make the best choice that you can concerning marriage. After all, you are going to live with your choice for the rest of your life.

Without compatibility, there can never be a fruitful union and fulfillment. Your desire to get married should not override the need to do it the right way. A successful marriage depends on your choice of a partner. This can never be over­emphasised. Your partner will have a strong role top lay in shaping your destiny and will influence you general well-being.

To borrow a line from Dr Neil Clark Warren: 'Your choice of whom to marry, is more crucial than everything else combine that you will ever do to make your marriage succeed. If you choose wisely, your life will be significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying. But if you do make a serious mistake, your marriage may fail, causing you and perhaps your children immeasurable pain.

Many mismatched marriage did not make it to the first anniversary because they were based on raw desire and lust that had been confused with love. No consideration had been given to the inner person, the real person, who would have been clearly visible if the marriage had been God inspired. Psychologist Henry Cloud wrote: 'What we are attracted to in a person, is what we see on the outside, the looks and personality, but what we end up experiencing in a long-term relationship is what we cannot see-that is the inside, the character,'

Righteousness is not simply a matter of what a person does or does not do. It is a matter of what a person is within. When we give our hearts to Jesus and become born-again Christians, God makes us the kind of individual who does not perceive others as objects to be used, but as persons to be respected and valued.

If marriage is going to mean anything, it must involve caring for another human being deeply, and putting aside self-interest in favour of the interests of the spouse. When this caring is spasmodic or neglected, trust breaks down and the foundations of the relationship crack.

Marriage has been defined as the covenantal commitment of two people to each other's total welfare. Marriage is not just the sharing of one or two aspects of our lives but the sharing of all of ourselves.

A bishop described marriage as 'a sanctified friendship'. What matters most in the daily lives of a husband and wife is the quality of their friendship. While all of our needs cannot be met in marriage, marriage was intended by God to be a state where the individual may find fulfillment unparalleled to anything else.

Pastor Jerry King DD says, 'Successful marriage is a commitment between two people that each will spend the rest of his /her life making someone else like themselves'.

As a pastor, a wife and a mother, I have been in contact with young men and women of different ages. I have counseled married couples with different problems and testimonies for over two decades. This has broadened my insight and equipped me with a great deal of practical experience. Over the years I have come to realise that love is not just a feeling, but a choice.

The love that sustains a marriage is not something we wish for, but rather something we work at. This includes understanding the dynamics of marriage and how our choices before and after the wedding could make or mar the rest of our lives.

Couples who want to sustain the love they feel for each other and guarantee a happy life, need to realize that communication, sex, conflict resolution skills, financial management, religion, extended family, family background, children and many other issues can snuff the life out of an otherwise healthy relationship if taken for granted.

I also firmly believe that a strict adherence to God's injunctions is absolutely necessary, especially if we desire the process of finding a life partner to be a meaningful and life-enriching exercise. It is said that the Creator, when he made us, put a God-shaped vacuum within each of us, and that vacuum can be filled with nothing but himself.

It is my conviction therefore that receiving Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour is not optional if we desire a good marriage, because it is impossible for anyone to be totally happy until the void has been filled. It is one thing to choose our marriage partners wisely; it is another to be happy in marriage. We cannot be happy until we have the right relationship with God.

That is why the Bible says in Matthew 16:26: 'For what profit is it to a man ifhe gains the whole world and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?' Luke 12: 15 warns: 'Take heed and beware of covetousness, for a man's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.'

There is no need in our lives that our Lord will not go out of his way to fulfill, whether it is strength, protection or companionship. He is there for us in a way that can only be described as perfect love. To experience perfect love in marriage, we need to have an intimate relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.

No human being can give perfect love, no matter how good or loving he or she is. Christ alone is the key to perfect love. Even though I have a very good marriage, the key is knowing that it takes three to have a good marriage: a good husband, a good wife, and Jesus Christ.

Once we have experienced the manifest love of God and know how much God loves us, because we have firsthand knowledge of his heart-changing love and forgiveness, then come the confidence and courage to deal with our spouses and the people around us lovingly.
Culled from How to choose a Life partner