age-ijeoma.htm

nobody cares, but when an African man wants to know the age of a woman, you can be sure it's not just for knowing sake.

The African woman for this same reason does not like divulging her age. I have a ploy that I use: I like to know the age of who's asking, so I will know how to answer. If he is older, most likely he will get my age, if he is younger, that's subject to my discretion. Don't blame me, if he's a good catch, I don't want to take the risk that my age might scare him away.

You might be wondering why I am writing about age. May be because I am over the 30 years mark, that's not it. But seriously, why is the African man particular about the woman's age? I am concerned about this issue because it's come up in a lot of discussions I have had recently. I have a friend that's older than the husband, but till date, the husband does not know it. They are happily married, and she is the best wife to him.

I have taken time to discuss this issue with a number of men. The major reason, I gathered, other than a form of misguided tradition, is the woman's biological clock. For we Africans and Christians, should this be an issue? [Isaiah 5:1-2]

Menopause for the African woman probably commences from age 45. So if a woman is 30, what does it have to with the age of conception? One guy was bold enough to say that one other reason is inferiority complex. I tend to agree with him, but that shouldn't be. A man should know he is the head of his home irrespective of his age. A loving, humble, obedient and loving woman will be that no matter her age. If she is not, then she won't be even if she is younger.

Looking at it closely, where do we place the blame of age consciousness in the African setting? With the man, our parents or the society? I guess this is a norm that has been passed down through the generations, but should we continue to accept it? In other parts of the world, it's different.

Dung [pronounced Yung] a Vietnamese said that in their villages, parents do arrange older girl for younger boys who live in the cities and nobody cares. Mohamed, a Palestinian said Palestinian men do marry older women so long their parents do not object to her family background.

Dante, a Mexican colleague here in America , is a perfect example. He is married to a woman seven years older than him. With two kids from a previous marriage [that's a topic for another day], they have been happily married for twelve years. In America where divorce rate is high, that's worthy of applause. He said the parents objected in the beginning, but being “a man of his own” [I love that] he went ahead and married his heartthrob anyway. Right now, his parents are crazy about his wife. Further examples abound. In Kenya , a 67 years old grand mum and a 28 year guy got married recently. It was such that it made news on the internet.

Over here in America, nobody bates an eyelid about age disparity. Im in my early 30s, yet so many American guys in their early 20s desire to go out with me. As a matter of fact; there are many men that are only attracted to older women. One of them told me that you are as old as you think.

In some advanced world, people only care about their happiness. Period. At age 18, the state insists you are an adult and therefore responsible for yourself. Independence is drummed into you, so you know you have your own life to live. Contrary to Africans beliefs that children carry on with the life of their parents when they pass on, Americans believe that every individual is a separate entity and should live out their lifetime the way it pleases them. For them, maturity is not in age, but in experiences, responsibility and achievement.

The big question then is, as Christians, how we handle this age issue. If after you have prayed and you are convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that there is a confirmation in your heart and in the mouths of two or three witnesses, what do you do when your folks oppose your marrying a lady just because she is five years [or more] older than you?

I am not a marriage counselor. Certainly not an authority in this. But I did speak with a couple of pastors. The general consensus is: like Sprite, obey your thirst. Follow your heart and do that which makes you happy. Remember that in eternity there is no marriage, or family or friends. Its all ends here [Matt.22; 30].

I am not saying you should marry a woman old enough to be your mum. But by all means, if that's what you want, if you fall in love with a woman older than you are, go ahead and marry her. Its not that simple though, given our tradition and culture, but these pointers might help:

Make sure you have prayed and God has given the go-ahead. Its not a decision to be taken lightly, so you have to be sure its what you really want [Romans 8:14]
Don't bother or listen to what the people will say. People will always talk anyway. When you marry the wrong woman, they will not be going through the hell with you. Remember the just shall live by faith .
Live your life to fulfill your destiny. Don't think about your unborn generation. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Remember the words of King Solomon the wise [Ecc. 9:5-6, 9-10, Ecc. 3:15-17, Ecc. 2:20-24, 1Tim. 6:7]
Pay attention to the woman inside. That's the real person. Make sure you are compatible. Take time to study each other, to avoid “I told you” from your family.
Seek counseling. It's good to have a man of God praying with you and encouraging you.
Don't yield to family pressure. If some of us were Joseph, our family would have succeeded in kicking Mary out. The angel that appeared to him would have been bound and cast as a demon from hell. I am sure Joseph had some pressures from his family but he stood his ground as a man.
Talk to your spouse about the situation. So she knows she has a part to play in order to make the marriage work. She has to understand that she is the help meet and should therefore be submissive irrespective of her age. The bible said ‘wives be submissive'. It didn't qualify it with age.
Above all pray. In the place of prayer, all things are possible.

In conclusion, don't let the love of your life go because you are busy holding unto tradition. Jesus did away with tradition [Mark 7:1-13]. The age of the woman or man does not guarantee happiness in marriage. A younger wife does not directly translate into a humble, submissive and loving wife.

Most people are marrying for the wrong reason, that's why we have a lot of troubled marriages. The choices you make in life determine the altitude you get. There a few men that have married older women and are really having a good marriage and vice versa. The bottom-line is: Let the Holy Ghost leads you [Gal. 5:1, 2Cor. 5:17].