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Send in your mails on challenges and agonies facing you.
Your questions are made available to Christians for advices. Pastors, counsellors and Christians are encouraged to respond to the agony questions.
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question you like to mail to us, please indicate QUESTION on top of your mail. If its an advice, indicate ADVICE TO Q... .
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Question.1
My husband's tiny male organ is threatening my marriage.
Dear editor,
Thank you for this forum to express my deepest worries on my young marriage. On the platter of not engaging in pre-marital sex according to Christian tenets, I now find myself married to a man who has a tiny male organ. Every period of sex is an ordeal for me as I never experience satisfaction. My husband is not ready to speak about this: once he ejaculates, he goes away. My marriage is young. We wedded in March, 2005.
While courting, he insisted on keeping a neat bed, unknown to me that he had something to hide. I was not a virgin when he met me, so that means I knew what sexual satisfaction is all about. Now, I don't know it again. My lousy sexual life is a daily source of worry for me. Rather than get satisfaction, I get so irritated and always feel like vomiting after.
When I told my mum, she wants me to obtain a divorce before children come between us. When I met a marriage counsellor, my husband, out of shame, would not entertain meeting him. A gulf is gradually building in my home. I have since stopped sleeping in the bedroom so as not to vomit. Worse still, he is not ready to speak about it.
Is the forbidding of premarital sex worth it after all? What can I do now that I'm married? Is this the ordeal I will face for the rest of my life? I don't want a broken home, yet I haven't gotten a satisfactory one. What can I do?
Thank you.
Esther Okanlawon.
Lagos.
My advice to Esther |
Advices on Question 1.
Hello Esther,
I know how you feel. I had the same experience because my husband suffers from what Yoruba people call jedi jedi (pile). I am aware that there are some hospitals where penis enlargement can be done. This issue is not about church. Speak to doctors. I will also help in finding out where it could be done and get back to you through this page. Sexual satisfaction will return to your life. Don't opt for divorce yet. Please.
God bless you.
Mercy Brown (Mrs.)
Benin Nigeria.
Hello Esther,
While I congratulate you on avoiding premarital sex, I wonder if this injunction is biblical or a mere Christian convention. I am currently in a relationship where I hope to keep the bed clean. But I wonder where this will leave me because after 8 months of courtship, I don't know what my fiance looks like under there...
Biola,
Port Hacourt, Nigeria.
Esther,
If you truly love your man, you have no right to complain. I advise you to close your eyes to sex and focus on those things that made you fall for him. We all have our minuses.
By the way, in less that twenty years now, sex will mean nothing to you. I'm speaking from experience.
God bless you.
Margaret Mills, (Phd)
Kingston, Jamaica.
Hello Esther,
I understand your situation but please realise that satisfaction in the bed is not a matter of your man's size. I would rather advise a long session of fore-play before the actual act. If a long romance comes before penetration, you will be satisfied and have your orgasm. I hope you still love the man, sex or no sex. If the love truly exists, sex or the size is very powerless to disunite you both. Remember that a time will come when the daily challenges of life will relegate sex to the background. As you get older, you will not be concentrating on sex, but keeping each other company will matter most.
Pastor Paul Okwuobi,
Lagos Nigeria.
Hello Esther,
Speak with the editor of this e-magazine for my number. I can link you to a doctor in Chicago. Hope this helps.
Yolanda Summer,
Idaho, USA.
Hello editor,
I disagree with the second response, Margaret Mills. How can you take sex out of marriage? I'm a christian but cant deny that I enjoy sex with my man. Its legal in marriage. While I cant tell you to opt for divorce, the surgery is not an easy option either. Consider the pains and bills! You need marriage counsellors to speak to you. Divorce might be inevitable at the end.
Stay warm sister,
Marta Belafonte,
Ontario, Canada.
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Question.2
My husband is a "she-man"
If I had known that his mother would today become a clog in our wheels, I would have listened to my friends who warned me against marrying a "mummy's pet".
He cannot take decisions without clarifying it first with his mother. His mother chooses the school the children attend. What colour of clothes he and the children wears. It was a battle before we moved out of her house to our rented apartment. She comes in when she likes and stays till when she likes. When she is around, she cooks his food, complaining I make his only child hungry to office.
Now I have enough cash to buy land and start a foundation. He said his mother said its an abomination that a woman should build a house before her husband. I want to proceed anyway. But something tells me to throw this open on getting to this site.
Please, Christians, help me.
Evelyn,
Lagos.
My advice to Evelyn
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Advices on Question 2. Dear Eve,
I have gone through this before. What did I do? Patience, patience, patience, or else, I would have divorced 15 years ago. You can proceed on the building but do it in his and your own name so that at the end of it, he and his mother would know that you have a good intention. Still call his attention to whatever you want to do. His mother will soon be tired of intruding. Try to win the confidence of his mother and she would stop.
Mary Sofoluwe,
London.
Hello Evelyn,
You only need prayers. The prayers is not only the one from anointed men of God but also out of the revelation you caught from the word of God concerning marriage. By the time you pray serious revelational prayers, the veil that covered your husband's eye would be torn and he would see better. He would see that the bible said a man shall leave his parents and cleave unto the wife and two of them shall become one.
Hiebson
Totty
(Overcomers Magazine, Lagos)
Hello Evelyn,
Is this the reality of African men? Is this how your men behave in Africa? But why do you allow the mum in in the first instance? The fault is yours.
Yolanda Summer,
Idaho, USA.
Evelyn,
Some people are advising you to build the house in his name. Don't. I don't want to tell you how to handle your husband and mother in-law. I am interested in you. If you build the house in his name, it becomes his. I don't pray you get divorced or separated tomorrow, but just anything can happen with his mum looming so large in the picture. If you want to build, build in your name or keep your money in the bank.
Ijeoma, Texas USA .
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QUESTION 3.
Got married for the wrong reasons.
She is 38, I am 40. I was actually carried away by her beauty seven years ago. But now, the realities of my job as a young entrepreneur, requires my partner to be sophisticated and well educated. But she is not. If she should go back to school, she will have to start from secondary school all over again.
My wife can't even write a sentence of five words without an error. She can't send text messages on her mobile phone. When friends come, she can't contribute to our debates. So many time she has embarrassed me with her grammar, so I keep her away from environment that could expose her. Yet, when you see her, you think she is a Phd holder.
When I'm at home and need someone to keep me on my intellectual toes, discuss national politics or to assess my work, I find nobody. There are so many young, educated, equally beautiful women around to compliment my work. If I follow my mind, I will fall into adultery. If I don't, I still suffer. What can I do now?
Olabode,
Kaduna Nigeria.
My advice to Bode |
Bode,
When I read your story,you don't sound like a Christian. If you want to be one, think constructively. If your wife cannot go back to school and you have a thriving business, engage a teacher for her level at a time. Gradually she would be brushed up to your level. There is gold in that your marriage which you have not discovered.
Hiebson Totty,
(Overcomers Magazine, Lagos)
Bode,
your case is quite a knotty issue. I want you to search your heart and look into your future and see maybe your wife is not part of it! My honest advice to you is that do not forget the love of your youth. go ahead- develop her and see the wonders of God. Stay blessed.
Oluwasola Ayo,
Lagos.
Hello Olabode,
Were you blind when you were marrying her? You are talking arrant nonsense. If you love her, better stay by her and build her up.
Yolanda Summer,
Idaho, USA.
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QUESTION 4.
Widowed so early.
I lost my husband in November 2003 after three years of marriage and two children. I am just 25! In my church, people always sympathise with me when actually I don't need their sympathy. I am well off than many of them. I am well educated and have a good job. But that am a widow is like a stigma.
Most men who tend to feel fresh with me immediately withdraw on knowing that I am a widow with two bukata! The men who tend to be serious are muslims and they want me as second wife.
I was a muslim but now a Christian. I come from a polygamous home and I don't want to experience what I saw of my parent. In fact, that was one of the reasons I became a Christian. Someone should tell me if I can ever get hooked by a bachelor. I did not kill my late husband. Its not my fault that he died. For how long will this society stigmatise me?
I thank God for Pastor Tinu Odugbemi for what she is doing. I would have called her if I have her number. I guess her organisation is not on the web yet. I want people like her to respond to me please.
Ibinabo,
Jos, Nigeria.
My advice to Ibinabo
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Hello Ibinabo,
I don't think you have any problems. The only problem you could have is when the young men who could like to marry you find out that you are paying more attention to the children than them. Secondly, not minding the two children, make yourself available in the circle of bachelors. You also need to pray hard. Its only God who could connect you.
Hiebson Totty
(Overcomers Magazine, Lagos)
Dear Ibinabo,
My response
Pastor Tinu Odugbemi
Headhigh International,
Lagos Nigeria.
Hello editor,
Ibinabo's story is very touching. I suppose there must be some organisations attending to widows in Africa. Please let me know if there are none so we know how to help her from here in the US. Many young men will opt for you. At the moment, we have many American widowers on our list. I hope you are serious about remarrying.
Yolanda Summer,
Idaho, USA.
Hello Ibi,
At 25, you are certainly too young to remain single for life. God will direct your steps. Here in Ontario, there are bachelors who will go for you. Can you relocate here? I feel for ya.
Marta Belafonte,
Ontario, Canada.
Hello Editor,
I read your interview with Tinu Odugbemi in your last edition. I feel so shortchanged by the fact that her kind of organisations are concentrated in Lagos and the southern part of Nigeria where people are more civilised. My question for Pastor Tinu and such organisations is dont you think of we women in the North? Dont you know that we suffer here more than women in the south? Our widowhood is not exactly as what obtains in the south but we suffer a great deal more in terms of access to do things and women rights.
Hadiza, Bauchi Nigeria.
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QUESTION 5.
My wife's past is haunting my marriage.
I am encourage by the response of you Christians to the challenges posted here. When I read Pastor Tinu Odugbemi's response, I now know that this page is real. I hope she would find time to respond to me too. My wife's past is haunting my marriage.
We have done what we call introduction and engagement. We are only waiting for enough cash to finish up the marriage process. We are living together and I don't think that is wrong. We have the blessings of our pastor.
The problem is each time I go to the church, one of the principal church functionaries always deride me in public that he has once gone out with my wife and indeed enjoyed sleeping with her. I have noticed that the man and my wife do joke always but I never read any meanings to this until the rumour mill filtered to me and in deed the man mentioned it arrogantly in a gathering where I was seated. That day, I felt like the ground should swallow me up. I had thought this shame would stop there but the man continued and in public my wife admitted that "yes, she went out with him and they slept together..so what?"
The matter has become a topic in my church. I am a known church worker and people are now pointing/laughing at me. I never knew this detail about my wife. The disclosure and it aftermath is hurting me bad. I don't want to leave the church because God has done so much for me through the pastor. But I don't want to see my wife again. I don't want to see the man again because he is lousy with it and nobody could control him in the church.
I am set to revoke all my commitments to this lady. I have removed the ring because I curse the day I met her. I have not been able to think clearly since them. Please, Christians, help me.
Yours in Christ,
Michael, Lagos.
My advice to Michael
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Hello Michael,
I had to pray before I write this to you. I know how a man would feel about this. It is not easy for me to say leave the lady or leave the church. I can imaging the motion picture that will be bombarding you each time you see your wife or the man. Certainly you will be tempted to do away with her. But wait, read my story:
I found out after 4 years of marriage and two kids in the kitty that my wife had lived with another man for 5 years. The man turned out to be my randy boss! My boss had told me all about a lady who aborted four times for him, who prefers to suck him to having s-x, whom he ejaculates into her mouth, etc. The woman turned out to be my wife.
I must confess that since that discovery during our 2004 end of the year party where they met again, I have stopped kissing her. She often irritates me. But I have raised prayer warriors in my church to pray for me. Ive sent a prayer request to this magazine too. My brother, what will I do? Divorce? No. Anger? yes but Christ will heal our wounds. The moral message her is women must be careful.
Pastor Effiong.
C Rivers State.
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