* The Speaker and the Holy Wedlock
"If there is anybody here that does not want this couple to be joined together in holy matrimony, he or she should speak out now."
A man from the extreme of the church stood up and walked towards the altar. As the bride saw the man coming closer, she fainted. The bridegroom and the whole congregation were in confusion.
When the man got to the front, the pastor asked, "Why don't you want these people to be joined together?"
Man: "I could not hear your voice clearly from the back sir, so I decided to come and tell you that the speaker is faulty!!!!

* Men NEVER listen!!!!!

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

"My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a portion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: " Please take only one drop."

NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red portion. The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the portion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
MOLOA BRIDGET

* Cunny man die, cunny man burry am.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.'You impotent pig ,'
She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:'I'll explain the toy, you xplain d kids???

* PLS, TAKE IT EASY! LEARN TO MANAGE STRESS

One day a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building. A man came running into his office and shouted, "John, your daughter, Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building" The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window. While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered that his name was not even John .. PLS, TAKE IT EASY! LEARN TO MANAGE STRESS.....IT KILLS FASTER THAN POISON.

* A machine that can catch thieves

A machine that can catch thieves was invented, and was to be tested. The first place of testing was in USA and within 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves. It was taken to Ghana and within 20 minutes, it caught 100 thieves.
Next, it was then taken to Nigeria and within 5 minutes it was stolen!

* Like father, like son
A father, worried about his son's performances in school, one day called him and tried to pep him up.
Father: "Son, do you see the president, when his was your age, he was very bright and good in school."
the little boy thought for a moment and replied:
Son: "yes, daddy, and when he was your age he became the president!

Mbam, South Africa

* Hostages

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?
The man responded "Militants have kidnapped, OBJ, IBB, Atiku, Buhari, Tony Anenih, Ahmadu Ali, Dariye, Nnamani, Odili, Ibrahim Mantu, Tinubu, Kalu, Ibori and Igbinedion. They're asking for a $500 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. So, we're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone contributing, on the average?"
The man responded "About a litre of petrol and a stick of matches."

* Wives
(1)       Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
          Husband : Nothing.
          Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
          Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

                                                **********
  2)      Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
          A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other   ensures you continue to do so.
                                                **********

3)       Wife : Do you want dinner?
          Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
          Wife : Yes and no.

                                                  **********
4)       Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
          Husband : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
          Wife : You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
          Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

                                                          **********
5)       Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
          Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
          Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.

                                                    **********
6)       Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
          Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
          Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

                                                    **********
7)       A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
          "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

                                                          **********
8)       Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
          Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

                                                          **********

9)       Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
          Millionaire : "I owe everything to my wife."
          Interviewer : "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
          Millionaire : "Billionaire"

                                                  **********
  10)     Girl to her boyfriend : One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
          The guy replies : Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

                                                    **********

11)     A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
          He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor
Deborah

• I believe God can help me. Please pray with me.