God, the creator of marriage, was the one who gave sex as a gift to couples to enjoy in the confine of their marriages. He gave sex as extraordinary “super glue” which binds couples together. It is a thing that is supposed to make the union uncommon. They are supposed to enjoy themselves continually all the days of their lives as sex is the highest level of enjoyment anybody can have. The experience is overwhelming. It involves the body, spirit and soul and brings the persons doing it into a state of rest. Instead of sex becoming a tool for bonding and building in marriage, many couples due to ignorance have allowed it to become the object of division between them as it has become a tool in the hands of the devil to destabilize their homes.
When problem emanates from outside the bedroom, sex can be used to settle it, but when it is the bedroom that cause the problem, only God will save that home as it may be difficult to resolve by any human being.
As a marriage counselor and family therapists most couples who came to our office complain about one difficulty or the other, without mentioning their sexual differences, we later discovered through interrogations that the main issue in their marriage is sex.
A man walked up to our office with his wife and said, pastor, look at this woman; she is wicked! I asked him what she has done wrong. He said she is just too wicked! I asked, is she not cooking for you?, he said “pastor not that, she is wicked”. Is she not taking care of you? he said, ‘pastor you don't understand, she is wicked!!!'. It was then I realize what he was talking about, I spoke to the woman about her ‘wickedness', she changed, today, she is no more “wicked”.
I told you that more than 80 percent of marital crisis emanates directly or indirectly from the bedroom. A sexually unfulfilled man can be unnecessarily touchy, angry and aggressive, most especially if he is a “baby husband”.
While it is true that a good sex life does not guarantee that a marriage will last forever, it is also true that sexual fulfillment is a key factor to a successful marriage because if a marriage is not romantic, it will be problematic and traumatic.
Sex in marriage has levels. We need to understand these levels, check our marriages, renew our love and sex life for a joyful and fulfilling marital life.
(1) Resentment level : This is the lowest level of sexual relationship in marriage. At this stage, one (mostly women) or both partners resent sex; some women hate it with passion. They can do anything for their husbands but not sex. Ignorance, inhibition, mentality, wrong information, wrong conception, myth, bitterness, anger, emotional hurt or foolishness are some of the things that can make a woman to resent sex.
Past sexual life such as rape, lesbianism, sexual molestation as a child and masturbation can also make a lady to resent it. Marriages at this level are on the brink of collapse. Married partners should do everything to deliberately move their marriages from this level. In fact, it is ungodly and unrighteous (1Cor.7:1-5), you need to change your attitude towards sex to get the best in your marriage.
(2) Encroachment level: This is the level at which a woman sees her husband as using her or encroaching on her “privacy”. She sees sex as a chore, a task; she disdains it and does everything to avoid it. Some do go to bed wearing jeans knickers, tight or trousers. Some do put their babies on their chest as they sleep at night. A woman told me that she abandoned her room and started sleeping with the children in their room knowing well that her husband would not come and meet her there. A pastor's wife said, she normally fasts for about 200 days a year and one of the reasons is to avoid sex. Women of this level are fond of complaining about “headaches”, “backaches”, “tiredness” “I want to sleep”, etc. But they should know that one of their duties as a wife is to satisfy their husbands sexually. For a better marriage, husbands too should know that it is their duty to give their wives sexual fulfillment.
(3) Involvement level: At this level, husbands and wives are having sex unlike those at encroachment level. but their sex life involves only the body and not the soul. They give sex, not to enjoy it themselves, but “to give peace a chance”. Hence, they open their laps, close their eyes and say in their hearts “do whatever you want to do and let me be (sleep)”, thereby laying down there as a log of wood, no matter what the man does, it does not touch any hair on their bodies. This is giving what is known as “cadaveric sex”. Women that give sex as a reward, use it as a weapon, trade-by-barter, etc are also found here.
(4) Enjoyment level: Both partners are involved in sex in their marriage. They do have sex and enjoy it (men especially), women do have orgasm once in a while and enjoy it, but not always. At this level, there are still inhibitions as couples see sex as too sacred to be discussed. Some see it as something that must not take place on a certain day or period. They see it as dirty, hence must be done only for procreation or pleasure once in a while. At this level, couples believe no other method must be used except the “missionary style” (man on top). No other place should be used except their bedroom, in the night, in darkness, and in perfect silence. Couples at this level may have sex regularly, but are not fulfilled. They both know that something is missing. The man thinks of only himself and ejaculation, he doesn't believe in foreplay, all he does is grab his wife, drag her to the slaughter slab(bed), order her to remove her clothes and her panties and lie down, jump on her and “down load” within two minutes and sleep away into the night few minutes later.
Couples at this level will still be having continuous misunderstanding about sex in their marriages because both of them will be left unfulfilled, thereby looking for fulfillment anyway. It can lead to constant demand for sex from the man thinking “quantity will bring fulfillment instead of “quality”. It can also lead to infidelity, if not improved upon just like the three previous levels can also do.
(5) Fulfillment level: This is the level God wants all sex in marriage to be. “Let her breast and tender embrace satisfy you (give you fulfillment)”Proverbs 5:19.
Here, quality of sex is very high; couples have removed all veils from their sex life. They discuss it. The man is a skilful lover (skilful “sexer”) while the woman is exciting, loving, generous in bed, involved, and do everything to make every sexual experience exciting for her husband, thereby turning her home to a garden of Eden, retaining honey moon in her house; enjoying her sex life, her man and her marriage as she becomes a skilful ‘sexee'.
This book is all about training you to become a skilful ‘sexer” and exciting “sexee' and bring fulfillment to your marriage, that is why we call it ‘SEXUAL FULFILMENT IN MARRIAGE'.
Make up your mind to be the best in bed, give your spouse a taste of the goodness of love; never allow sex to be an issue in your marriage again. Rather, let it be a thing to enjoy to the glory of the Lord. Sex is a gift from God, enjoy it, the body of your mate is a bumper package for you to explore.
