The sitting room was arranged after a Church Service format before each Service, and re-arranged as a sitting room after the Service. One of the our rooms served as the Children Church.
I cannot remember what led to the disagreement that morning but the fact was that we dug deep into our trenches. I tried to use that archaic dictatorial strategy of "you must know that I am the head of his house". This strategy did not work. My wife also tried to use her own strategy
to soften me up but I deliberately decided
harden my heart against my baby Carol.
Sunday school was to start at 8:00am. A few minute after eight, the Sunday school teacher started teaching. While in our bedroom, I their Pastor and my wife were busy quarreling. I think the quarrel started at about 5.30am when we were supposed to be praying fervently for the service of that morning. I did not want to stand and preach peace before the about 40 people expected attendance when my marriage was not at peace that morning.
At a stage, I thought I had succeeded in convincing her with my very logical arguments on the need for her to see reason. My points were very logical and true. If we were before a court of law. I
would have defeated her hands down.
To my greatest suprise, instead of her to accept my spound and superior arguments, the next thing she did was to start sobbin, accompanied by full scale crying. I was angry. "Stop crying like a baby" I thundered like a garrison commander. Instead of her to stop crying, she increased the volume. When I uncomfortable, I told her to keep quite, people will hear, I reasonably pleaded. "Let them hear" she thundered. What has gone gone wrong with my sweet babie? Why is she so hard this morning. Why will she not listen to reason?
As I kept think midst of anger, my though interrupted by the voice of the Chorus leader screaming from the sitting room "somebody shout alleluia." This was immediately followed by a response of "alleluia". The praise session has kicked off and Pastor and his wife were nowhere to be found. My wife, a full blown adult was crying before me when I felt she was supposed to be profusely saying "Sorry" to me. It was then I came to my senses that intellectually sound words; logically articulate arguments and internationally borrowed grammatical expressions cannot solve a domestic rift.
This made me discover that there was something I
needed to pour in her emotional "LOVE TANK" which I had consistently failed to do. There is an aspect of love I ought to pour into her "love tank" that I did not consider important. By this time she was (for the sake of the service) saying that we should let sleeping dogs lie and get ourselves set for the service. I then held her and to my surprise, she also held me. It was obvious that both of us were getting drained due to the arguments.
I promised her I will be a better lover. She then seriously apologized for allowing a small matter to rob us of the time we ought to have used to pray for the Service. We told God that we were sorry and that
we will abort such arguments next time. Having confessed our sins to each other and to God, we quickly had our bath and strolled into the sitting room for the day's service. It was already "testimony time". They thought that we were busy praying, not knowing that we were busy quarreling.
I struggled to minister that day. The message was flat. The prayer was flat. Everything was flat. It was a relief to me when the service finally came to an end. The three lessons we learnt that day were:
1. That we should henceforth, not
burn our fingers because of crayfish.
That is to say, we should not allow disagreements affect our marital relationship and our duties to God.
2. The more reasonable among us at that instance should put machinery in motion to nip in the bud potentially explosive issue.
3. Personally, I learnt that the brilliance of a man's point during quarrels do not always make him win until certain issues in the woman's emotion's are addressed. These' issueS may sound childish but they remain important to the woman and the peace of your marriage. You may win the war with your arguments but you may not win the peace. May Peace reign in your home, Amen
Bishop Charles Ighele is the General Superintendent of the Holy Spirit Mission Church, Happy Family Chapel and Executive President of the Institute for Marriage and Family Intimacy Studies, Akowonjo, Lagos.
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