* Little Old Lady and the Atheist

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no God!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am hungry. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you except me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said "it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I thank you for this food that I am about to receive."

* Jonah and the Teacher

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and how she had heard in Sunday School about how a whale had swallowed Jonah.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl remained steadfast in her position and reiterated that indeed, a whale had swallowed Jonah.

Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "I'm not sure how it happened, but when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher replied smugly, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

* Obsession

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions, he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving"

(c) Hilary.

"I am a Saudi !"
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh , then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then?
" The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

* You're not his son anyway
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and the he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him," Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

More jokes next week:

• I believe God can help me. Please pray with me.