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Widowhood in Africa, story of Pains.
Let me start by saying that widowhood is a state of loss and nobody likes to lose anything except bad things. In the bible, Jesus gave a parable of people who lost things, like the lady who had ten pieces of silver. When she lost one, she left the nine until she found that one. Also the man that had a hundred
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sheep but lost one, he kept the ninety-nine somewhere and still went in search of the one.
The same thing with the prodigal son. From the reception
accorded him, it was glaring that the father was missing
him and praying for his return. The father must have been
on the balcony if we can use something like that because
the bible says when he saw him from afar off, he rushed
to meet him.
Nobody likes to lose any thing weather a peace of jewel
or an animal in the house, how much more a loved one. And
when it's a loved one, a human being, somebody who
was part of you for a long time (or even for a short time
because some people become widowed within six months of
marriage) it's a big tragedy.
When a woman loses her husband, she has also lost a friend,
a brother, her confidant and more often than not, the breadwinner
of the family. She loses an income because even when the
man was not the breadwinner, what ever he has to bring in
she loses.
She loses her marriage, she loses her status in the society
because immediately she become widowed, she cannot be counted
among married women again and she is not exactly a single
woman. She is a widow and many times there are not many
of them in a gathering she is counted like a sore thumb.
As if these psychological pains are not enough, the society
in the name of tradition or culture now take her through
other gamut to compound her loss. Right from the moment
she loses her husband, the relatives of the husband come
in not to console her but to take stock of the property
'our brother or son' left behind. That is the
first thing.
They seize the keys to his room, his wardrobe and the car.
Now the woman begins to think that she is not only losing
the things I mentioned earlier, she is now losing her property,
her right, her accomplishments. That is not all;
She is now given rules and made to go through some rites,
which are most times dehumanising. Lets start with basic
ones: isolation. She is asked to sit alone in some places,
to wear dark coloured clothes in this hot climate for a
whole year! In some cultures, a widow does not open her
window or steps out early in the morning. Seeing a widow
first thing in the morning, they believe, brings bad luck.
In some cultures, she is kept in a room for seven days where
food would be passed to her like a prisoner or a dog. She
is detached from her children who could be young enough
to need motherly attention. In some cultures, she eats in
an unwashed plate and with her left hand for seven days!
This is still like being in heaven if compared to some other
cultures.'
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How?
In some cultures, immediately the man dies the wife is the
chief suspect. It doesn't matter if he died in a plane
crash with several other people or if he died of old age.
The wife must first of all swear that she has no hand in
his death. Among cultures like the Imohua people in River
State and the Benin culture, the widow is forced to drink
the water used to wash the corpse. This is also done among
the Igala people in Kogi and Benue States.
Another thing that is done in the Kalabari area of Bayelsa
and River States is that the woman is asked to go into a
very deep river to bath. A particular leaf socked in certain
charms is given to her as sponge. After that she is given
a garment to wear. She is now a public property.
The community decide what she does. Every body looks at
her with suspicion. All these affect her mental state. She
losses confidence in herself. She has inferiority complex.
What can be worse than this after losing your husband?
Widowhood and the modern woman?
I am telling you it is still happening. So many
widows come here at least three times a week, others would
phone. Some people would even phone in to quickly hint us
some in-laws are right now trying to cart away a widow's
property.
There was this landlord who refused some in-laws to cart
away the property of his tenant when the man died. The man
asked them what about the wife? And until today, a brother
of the deceased who was quite close to the landlord doesn't
speak to the landlord again because he did not allow them
to carry away the property. The landlord protected the woman
and her family.
Incidentally it was the woman who signed the agreement with
the Landlord because her late husband was outside Lagos
at that time the house was rented. The Landlord stood his
ground that the woman not the deceased rented the house
from him.
Another lady came to complain that the elder brother of
her deceased husband insists to marry her by force because
that would make it easier for him to inherit the property
of the deceased. So as far as that man is concerned, his
worry is not the woman but the property. To crown it all,
when this woman went for the funeral rites at home, they
took possession of her car. She came back in a public transport.
One of her children died during that funeral. I am telling
you things that are still happening.
Wives as suspects when husbands die.
This is not whether women have done evil in the past; it
is just our patriarchal system, which makes the man the
head of the woman. The bride price culture creates the impression
that you have hired a slave and so women are treated that
way. In some homes, the boys
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This has been the lots of women from womb to tomb. She
is always at the receiving end. Even if she loses her man
when both of them are ripe enough to die, she is still made
to go through all these.
How could we find a place in our heart to believe that a wife
would kill a man she lived and slaved with?
Christians need
to pray about this. We also need to enlighten our people.
The issue is beyond the feelings that women are on their own is
bad. GOD made every thing beautiful.
Do widowers perform better than widows?
This depends on the individual. For some people the man is
a better parent and for some the wife is. But it is generally
assumed that the woman is a better parent because she stays
more with the children.
Most women run their businesses from
the house, or take up jobs that give them flexible hours to
be with the children. The man goes out always.
Our culture looks up to the man to provide for the family.
Even the bible says a man who is not able to provide for his
household is worse than an infidel. There is so much pressure
on the man to provide, so for longer hours of the day he is
outside.
I don't know who should go first but experience shows
that men die first.
This is also borne out of the fact that
most men are older than their wives. From a research that
was done in the University of Lagos, it was found out that the
average gap between a man and his wife is eight years.
Add that to the fact that men bow to high blood pressure,
heart attack, etc quicker than women, it is not fortuitous
that men die early. However, I really don't have the
right to say who should go first, that is for the Almighty.
If we look at the bible, Sarah died before Abraham. Rachel
died before Jacob, and Jacob obviously was a better parent.
Why advocacy for widows?
Let me start by saying that early in life I wanted to be a
medical doctor. I thought of specialising in either the care
of children or the elderly. But that dream was scuttled because
I didn't make one of my science subjects. In spite of
that, my result was good enough that my parents felt re-sitting
the exam because of a paper I needed for medicine was not
worth it. Subsequently, someone said I should do a course
in Engineering and I said no that I was going for Mass Communication,
and that was it.
Working as a journalist much later, with a focus on women,
I came across a lot of things bothering on the way women are
treated.
In 1999, I was ordained a parish pastor of The Redeemed
Christian Church Of God. In the area where I was, there were
about 30 areas and among all these areas, I was the only woman
chosen. I asked myself, why was I chosen?
Later I said to myself that God must have something for women,
which the men probably were not doing.
Subsequently I had
course to go out of Lagos for a retreat, so I told myself
that I was going to study a book in the bible because as a
female pastor people will invite me to talk at women programs
on which I might refer to female characters like Deborah,
Esther, Mary, etc. I then decided on Ruth.
I found out that the book of Ruth was about three widows:
Naomi, Opal and Ruth. When I began to compare their lives,
the spirit of God began to tell me that these people represent
a particular group in our society.
Naomi was an elderly woman
who had lost her husband and her two sons.
At this stage, she was so discouraged that when she got back
to her land, she told her people that I have come back empty
handed. Why are you calling me Naomi (meaning sweetness) she
said don't call me sweetness call me Maram (meaning
bitterness)
At this point, God told me that there are many people who
had put in so much into the society but have lost all. They
are discouraged, their heads are bowed and to crown it all
up, they are in the church! God told me that if these people
find nobody to encourage them, they would back out from the
church. Then from Naomi I moved up to Opal.
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Right from our Sunday school days, we were told that Opal was a
fun-loving girl who shed crocodile tears for Ruth. But the
Lord gave me a different revelation concerning single parents
and widows out there who really will want to live godly and
uphold righteousness but they compromise their godly standards
because of their desire to keep body and soul together, Opal
is an example.
Then there are people like Ruth who have decided to uphold
godly standard to the end, but they need encouragement which
Naomi, an older widow gave. Ruth also was a support to Naomi.
She gave Naomi hope for living and she continued and propagated
the linage of Naomi by having children for Obed, and from
him to Jesse, to David and down to Jesus Christ. That was
what I got from the Lord.
After all these, I began to wonder why does God want me to
have this information. I started praying, I didn't receive
any thing again while I was in that place but on my way back
I decided
to look through a devotional book and interestingly I came
across a quoted verse: 'mans gift will make room for him.'
That verse struck me. I then asked myself what is the gift in my
life and I said journalism. All my life I have been a journalist
and immediately what I taught was I was going to start a magazine
for widows.
So along the line, I started sharing this vision with people.
I remember discussing it with my sister. I was thinking of
what name I would give the magazine that would be devoted to
people whose heads is bowed.
My sister then said she had a
name she wanted to give a salon business she wanted to start
up a salon. She wanted to name it Headhigh That was were
I got the name. So I started working on the magazine.
One day in my dream, I saw this name Headhigh: lifting up
heads that are bowed and I noticed it was on a television
screen. After this, I did nothing about the vision and all
of a sudden, some of my friends started becoming widowed.
A friend's husband was killed and dumped in the boot
of his car! People were looking around for him not knowing
he was in the boot and I found myself going to comfort her.
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